Equip yourself to get afflicted with wounds when you start loving people profusely

“When life wounds you, I hope it is because you loved people.Not because you mistreated them.” What a fantastic sentence, wrote by someone. It is very much true in any body’s life. All through my life I have received cumulative wounds in my heart and mind .I also learnt to live stoically with all smiles on the black face. I have also learnt from scholars, that regardless of what happens in life at the end of the day/life, there will be always joy. Is this promise meant for solace and peace of all the disadvantaged and dispossessed? I don’t know.

Realizing happiness/peace is as elusive as finding out an equilibrium exchange rate for a national economy. All of us wait for a significant defining moment in life, to happen. When will it arrive exogenously? or should we strive for and generate it endogenously? Again I am not sure. But we shall always maintain our composure and steel our nerves to withstand all the shocks and disturbances of life. This simply means we must look beyond the ordinary travails and turbulence of life and their absurd outcomes.

I know , absence of love or denial of love or the pain from excess love are very much real and cruel in a man’s or woman’s life. But what can we do except to work and also do not forget to love the society, which in essence implies a crowd of people or your friends wound you. We should believe in a miracle and say and believe that being lonely and abandoned is also bliss and that some thing better is in store for the future. It may be a lie, a selective or seductive lie to give you temporary peace.

Many a time, I feel that I am a blessed man. Since I have been blessed and loved enough, the supreme makes me to undergo some turmoil and the newly found love also has become elusive and nonexistent although they are as real as the Sun and moon. As a nation living with dis- equilibrium exchange rate, all of us should also learn to live with all intellectual fire inside the body without finding fault with others.

I want to inhale fresh oxygen in the early morning, take a deep breath, after having a look at the beautiful sunrise and laugh away the problems of yesterday’s and tomorrow’s. But Alas! I am not able to get up from the bed even after seven, seducing myself that sleep also is equally good like walking. This kind of mixing and fusing with a sense of humor will not give any peace. I cannot abandon my responsibility towards myself and run away from walking. For quite some time I have been only writing, reading, remembering, ruminating and ultimately celebrating over the merits of walking but not in a position to take even a first step in that direction; especially when walking seriously has become absolutely important for my very physical survival it is foolhardy to ignore and remain physically inactive in the morning hours .Yes there will be joy in the end if I start walking. I cannot make a great leap forward in this direction. But I must change little by little. Who knows? Something bigger and something greater or unexpected stimulus would arrive through some company and at that time I will neither forget to walk nor laugh away my problems. Life has punished me enough because I loved people. But life has also given everything because many I have showered love on me. The million dollar debt is how I am going to repay my debt to all the good souls which have loved me. That will remain as a question forever. Because ,I know, living at margin , I may not have the time , energy and also even the resources to repay all my debt to the vast sea of humanity which has nursed and nurtured me .The crude fact of life now is that, after sixty, I behave and crave like a child, seeking attention, warmth and embrace. I can write a fine prose or lecture about love but the ground level reality is different. I will come out of childish/childlike behavior and became adult.

I wonder how I have been lived through with all my naivety inherited from mother

We don’t expect a miracle to save .People go through life wondering what they are suppose to do when it is always right in front of them .They should do what they are good at. Instead of dreaming and worrying about many things that they can’t accomplish, they must attempt to chew those things which are manageable. Although we know that everyone will get his moment, and that we need not worry about many things by sheer human nature many a time we complicate simple things and also tend to postpone those things which need to be addressed immediately. I have paid a heavy price in my life by not taking proper care of both domestic and financial life. By sheer fate and destiny- sorry simple stupidity and incapacity to sort out my priorities. lacking smartness and diplomacy and so on , I messed up many things in life.

The great consolation was that my mother lived for a long time and more important she spent her last decade of her life with me. She was always never tired of her work. Till the end her hard work alone sustained her life. She never complained about life, she never slept during day time especially after taking lunch. She lived her life fully, energetically, emotionally and may a time naively with God given serenity and wisdom. Only towards the end of her life I was patient, calm and understanding. I should have treated her well and given more to her. Her life itself was an education to me. My education was useless for my life except to get a passport to lead a comfortable life in academic corridors with some commitment of course towards societal causes. Strong parental genes have kept me in good stead amidst financial loss and domestic chaos. Economics, as my first love has always served as an anchor.

God’s smallest plan had aplenty, for one who did not even know how to dream ‘Big’ in life.

When I was a student in a college and later as Assistant Professor in many colleges of Union territory of Pondicherry,I never thought that one day I would ever enter into a university as a faculty. I hardly ever had any ambitious dream in my life. Everything in my life came just like that. Good parents, entry into primary school at a very very young age, double promotion soon after that , in the very standard first,fantastic school education , thanks to one great headmaster and his team of teachers, good education at undergraduate and post graduate levels in two coastal towns of south India , a descent job as Assistant professor soon after the completion of education, early marriage, two precious daughters, in a span of three years, who were later outsmarted by another girl, born a decade after, M.Phil, PhD pursuits at the prestigious Gokhale Institute, I can go on and on.

Because of those three letters P, H, and D, that I could obtain aftr a great time lag I could not resist myself or rather say ‘No’ to my student colleague, who wanted me to apply for the university job. Because of that I find myself now in one of the fastest growing universities, which wants to become a world class university !? A charming wife and three beautiful daughters were the bonus of my life and wages of my labor in my previous birth. Life was pleasant and ugly, blissful and mysterious, hot and cold, invigorating and frustrating, but they all belong to yesterday’s yesterday. When I look back and ruminate over all the good things that have chained me, I can only remember an interesting quote; “Even God’s smallest plan for us is bigger than any dream we could ever hope for.” Gentlemen of the jury, please remember I hardly had any dream and the benevolent supreme had a master plan for me and I could smell it and feel its sound when I got the coveted first rank in my higher education. I am thankful to the Lord for all the blessings and failings in life.

“Oh Unmerciful God! Thank you” –V

Will you take care of me?

My Lord, the savior of the world!

Besides seeing him in work,

I will also see his eternal youth,

And internalize his

Cool academic brilliance,

In the eyes of his children,

Immersing my thought process

In every molecule of their cells,

Their gestures and articulations and

Their smiles and action packed moments

Their innocent laughter, deep

Memory filled with his image

Their inner longing to hold father’s

Hand and step on the sea shore

Play, make fun and do shopping

Will remind my man, always

In wakeful state and dreamy lands.

Finally a request my Lord!

You have taken away life’s

Precious gift- my man, my love.

You may have your own valid reason

In taking back your valuable Treasure.

Who am I to question your wisdom?

But kindly remember

He was my life, my love and music to my soul

Without his presence and warmth

I have very little life left;

Soul is also just flickering;

To see my children grow

And see them settle down in life,

You must infuse fresh lease of life

Into my life by calming my nerves

My agitated mind and all the

Anxious thoughts.

To get enough strength everyday

To enjoy enough sleep everyday

In order to carry on my work

And render work ethics

Will you help bless me with a

Quiet, deep sleep, at night

A gentle breeze sent from Heaven.

Mr.God, will you at least grant and guarantee this boon

To quiet my mind and fill it

With all the pleasant thoughts of

Those memorable days.

Once again I

Thank you for compensating the loss of

My life by enabling me to do real work, at his work place.

For me, there is nothing in the world,

Except to do work, Real Work.

“Oh Unmerciful God! Thank you” -IV

No quarrel with you, my Lord!

When you are playing a game of dice

With the good and the honest,

And unsettle our emotional circuit,

How can we find fault with

Capricious Gods?

My man had more passion, more faith and more

Belief in ‘you’ than in himself

We do not forget all the boons

Showered on those seven years of our early marital existence.

But why should he go very early?

This question has no answer at all.

You will remain quiet and prefer silence.

All said and done, my Lord,

You have showered on me already

A professional passport, a perpetual visa

An incredible CA degree

To sail into another world,

The world where my man

Virtually lived and labored

Breathing with work and work ethics only.

I may not have his great scholarship or spiritually

I may even lack his energetic intelligence and enterprise

But I do possess the basic, sturdy

Solid academic foundation and mental stamina to

Travel into any hi tech world,

The sophisticated world of Business or Banking

Or Insurance. I know, I can

Fit into any high profile life at ease,

With your grace of course, my Lord.

Thank you My Lord!

You have not abandoned me fully.

Once I get engaged with work,

And well connected with work,

And show tangible progress in work,

And succeeed in bringing an adoring and approving

Smile on the face of my boss

A benevolent, kind hearted soul

Sent from Heaven,

To restore our dilapidated financial house

I shall be born afresh,

Something like a new Shakti,

More vibrant like a Sun.

Slowly, gradually, I will

Assimilate myself into the garb

Of a real professional business executive

Of my ardent lover variety.