“Oh Unmerciful God! Thank you” -II

The sky appeared blue, always

Bright and colorful, without any cloud

Stars danced in the sky and

The trees on earth bloomed with flowers,

A multicolored rainbow like

Life did envelope us fully and forcefully.

His was really, incredibly and unbelievably

A fast paced, hi tech life,

Always fused with humility and spiritual tone;

Why did it abruptly, unexpectedly

Suddenly came to a grinding halt.

Like a bolt from the blue

My poetry and philosophy of life,

My friend, my treasure, my love

Was snatched away from me

By the cross currents of water

How can I wade through my life?

The two tender creepers now

Are struggling to anchor themselves

Without the comfort of father

The performance ended abruptly in the

Middle of a song,

While all of us were really on song

Flung by fate and driven to despair

We have endured that dark night

Of the soul,

And a series of sleepless nights to follow;

Stumbling from“As flies to wanton boys

Are we to the gods”?

Yes, “There is a special providence

In the fall of a sparrow,” you would say

We are all made to believe now.

“Oh Unmerciful God! Thank you” -I

In the early 2000s, my close colleague’s daughter lost her husband in a more tragic accident while attempting to save his friends in a water fall. The sudden loss of life shook all of us and after some time I wrote a few lines about this incident in my dairy. I don’t know where they are now. The following lines in free verse were drafted soon after the tragedy; mid 2002. The face of the tender girl, the daughter of that unfortunate wife was sitting on my lap for long time gave the necessary trigger for these emotive expressions. I revisited them on August3, 2003. With minor editing, I am posting now around 20.10.2010.

Life was Pleasant, fun and joy

Bought home, brought up children;

Comforts of life came,

Like unfailing southwest monsoon.

Always addicted he was to work

That obsession was hardly an inhibition or irritation

To passionate love, big kisses and warm embrace;

Always guaranteed to a massive annual hike in pay and perks,

He hopped from one job to another,

With cultured silence and measured aggression, and

Without wounding the finer sensibility of his employees.

Scarcely I could bother about my own engagement

With work, as my companion husband

Did all the work, including that of mine

More than decent income he earned

Was more than sufficient

For a better and decent living.

In an ancient metropolitan city.

Giving birth to two nice kids, and

Taking care of him profusely with love

Tenderness, friendship, and all the time

Blanketing him with emotional warmth,

And watching the children play and grow

My time was both consumed and invested away

In a more productive and constructive way.

The denial of my professional growth hardly depressed me away.

When Life has began at Sixty, I won’t abandon that, that easily

For a long time, a very long time I have not written in my blog. The blog was created to write more about developments in my area of International Finance but fortunately or unfortunately, it has now become a platform to depict my falling and failings in life with occasional sweet or bright news. In any case the blog writing keeps me in touch with my students, whom I love most, as I love my Economics discipline.

The administrative position in the last five years has distanced me from extensive reading and writing. My journalistic writing in Business line stopped long ago. I know I must revive it. I only know how much that column took me to different parts of the world. Even a few journal articles I contributed on invitation basis had to stop, once the demanding editorship changed. As if to compensate all these loses, I had to lend a helping hand in doing lot of editing and rewriting of PhD student’s thesis, a fortnight ago. There was an unwelcome intervention in the form of escalation of B.P. to warn me that I should not be stupid enough or rather academically greedy enough to continue to lament that I am unable to read or write. I know, I must moderate my academic anxieties.

For the first time in my life after reaching sixty, I realized that I am no longer a young fellow and that I have physical constraints. But I must confess no matter what the B.P reads and no matter how much physical or financial discomfort I will experience, I will subscribe to the view that I am getting old. The most pleasantest part of my sad and sorrowful life is that I will continue to feel young which I fully realized in MBA classroom today. I could deliver in my usual atyle.I only need the zest in life, the spring in steps, to be academically active.

But in the last fortnight I felt that all my friendly and pleasant aspects of my life appeared to be coming to an incredible end and that a new era of life had already begun. Out of desperation and frustration I wrote a few lines in my personal diary not meant for blog. Some excerpts from that:

“I only now wish and pray that the wise and benevolent destiny will not abandon me when I find myself restless, clueless and helpless to withstand some mild discomfort in life. All these things are not new to me . They are as old as history and I am still naïve enough not to take any remedial measure. Hence forward I must do and I will definitely do some minimum things like walking and dieting, which I had failed to do or forgotten to do in my life. There are certain things like walking, drinking adequate water, and doing some minimum stretching exercise etc. should have become a habit by now .But my typical disorderly orderly nature has mysteriously distanced me from walking , the consequence of which I am now reaping . In the last few days I am trying my level best to remember to walk so that I will not be a burden to anyone who is near to me.

I have burdened many, depended on many all through my sixty years of life. I am greatful to everyone who has helped me to grow thus far. I am still unsure for how long I will have to depend upon a few more good souls to sort out certain messy things in my life, especially my administrative life , that is, bringing all my past services to my current work place. My current ailment, which is not very burdensome but definitely appears to be a risky one in view of my experiment with low dose of medicine, has taught me a lesson that I will be more cautious and careful in seeking help from others. Alienation from many, especially from those whom I have loved most and will continue to love them is not deliberate. Indeed I am getting liberated from possessive love. What right do I have to demand the time, the emotion and the energy of people who are not my relatives. Let the supreme give me physical strength and mental stamina that I will not even seek help from my close relations because I know from the reading of literature and the actual happenings in life, no one will be with us if we are in perpetual agony and ailment. Again I am grateful to everyone, all the forces under the Sun which have shaped and swayed me all along my academic career. I will not be a burden to others.

The inner agony, the inexplicable sadness, the turmoil in the heart and the uneasiness in the limbs are clearly visible on my dark face and that revealed to all who are very close to me. I will try to reinvent my natural disposition and appear cheerful and sometimes even pretend to be more cheerful when I am actually not. More meditation, more listening, more tolerance, more accommodation, more forgiveness and so on will give me more peace and balance in the rest of my life.
The German novel, Siddharthan written by one Noble Prize winner, Hessay in the 50’s gave me more confidence and comfort during this period of nervousness and helplessness .I know my asset is a huge amount of social capital that others have built for me. There might be some small erosion or a mild depreciation in it. I am not losing my hope. I will put more order in my academic debris at home and enable God’s order to prevail, “Mr.Sam ! you are not going to change any thing in life, that which has been ordained already will flower or bounce back with inherent physics or force at the appointed hour of destiny. Until then, Wait. Not just wait foolishly but take some courage and will power to write :
What is happening to the world’s Money?
Making sense of the currency crisis of the 90s
Why the current crisis cannot be a Great Depression but still indeed it is great grand father’s recession
Why China’s Renminbi will be at the heart of the Currency war
When will devaluation work
Can we really understand the Real Equilibrium Exchange rate
Understanding Globalization and towards a alternative Globalization
How Ricardo is right and wrong in a Flat world
Is there any crisis in Macro Economics
Growing discontent with Macro Economics
Paul Krugman - A Reader
Joseph Stieglitz –A champion of the Poor
Samuelsson’s corrected version of David Hume’s mechanism; a friendly quarrel.
Revisiting Lawsen Meztler sohmen’s effect
Can a Newyork university professor introduce devaluation in a classical model
Living with disequilibrium exchange rate,
The existential dilemma of Euro
when will Dollar Die and so on.

A Farewell to College audience (1994)

It took a lot of time to get relief from my college when I got selected as Reader at School of international Studies, Pondicherry University. In the early months of 1994, I made a switchover from college atmosphere to university environment. I don’t have the habit of preparing speeches for farewell. Perhaps after the meeting was over, I must have scribbled some. Today I stumbled upon those notes; looking back towards college days and life at university with all my self imposed academic discipline, I shall give a pat on my frozen shoulder that I have rendered a reasonable justice to MIM student community and also evolved as a critical commentator, though not as a great research scholar.
My farewell speech went like this:
While expressing my sincere thanks for the nice tea in the warm afternoon, let me spend a few minutes by ruminating over the past and thinking aloud on the present.
Poets would say that past can only be a false memory; I would consider it as a pleasant memory, remaining ever green in my heart, radiating joy and peace. Most of us, the faculty members of economics department were nursed and nurtured here, in the academically fertile soil of TAC under the benevolent nourishment of Prof.Sasankan, our founder professor of Economcs.

He was a professor in whose era we were proud to be known as students and later as teachers in Economics. He had the intellectual grace and human warmth in the class room which evoked spontaneous love and respect from students.
Faculty present have, belong to the second generation of teachers who have a great deal of enthusiasm and interest in the subject and increasing inclination and aptitude towards teaching. If some of you would recall your intellectual association with us at a future date, in your old age, that will be a music to our souls wandering in eternity.
There is a saying: Blessed is he who has found his work. Let him ask no other happiness.
All of us were lucky to enter into a profession which is dear to our heart, but our places of work, with a few exceptions have not motivated us sufficiently to exploit our full potentials; May be , partly we are to be blamed for this “ under employment academic equilibrium” ;in teaching, both VG and DD will stand in splendid isolation in this regard. I am not undermining others or myself.
More than the place of work, what matters is innate interest in work, and the will power and determination to sustain the tempo. Professsors M.L.Thangappa Panju, Raj Goudaman, Jothi of Tamil dept , P.Raja of English and Dr.Narayanan of philosophy dept have revealed themselves to a broader world by their scholarly writings .

In a land of spinners Kapil Dev at a young age aspired to become a fast bolwler; by crude technical standard, he was far below the potentials of fast bowlers of west indies and Australia. Yet by playing a record number of matches without missing a single test (his omission on disciplinary ground being an exception ) he could attain the peak by sheer perspiration.

Age and exuberance were on his side and half of his wickets came from the home pitch not suited for fast bowling-.By technical standard, he was far below the pace battery of West Indies and Australia, but he could sustain himself in test cricket for a longer period without being affected by injuries. We have to learn a lot from Kapil.
Therefore, like Kapil we must have dreams. Dreams can not survive without concrete action, and hence dedication and determination are needed and it should not be difficult to surmount the obstacles on the way towards progress and academic fulfillment. You must draw inspiration from all of us and work hard for building a bright and secured life. The world is full of uncertainty and human nature is unpredictable. But the path is not a rosy one. We can’t have a cake walk. Our home team could not sweep the series. The law of statistical average ultimately prevailed. The defeated side did not get vanquished in the final game. What matters at the end is we should continue to fight regardless of victory pr defeat.

In a sophisticated, research oriented university environment, I might feel like a queer bird. Nevertheless, the exposure to a broader and well informed all India audience, the infrastructure facilities available there and more important the demanding nature of students joining professional courses, would enthuse me to be comfortable with the subject and overcome my inherited handicaps and deficiencies.

We are now living in a crucial period of globalization and marketization. It is an environment of opportunities and challenges, freedom and excitement. I take this new assignment in the same vein inflicting an intellectual punishment on myself in order that I would become more productive and competitive. Eventually, it all depends upon how one utilizes the opportunities and make the best out of them.

A Letter I Forgot to Post

Following is the letter written to my youngest daughte’s(some times called Joe also) friend. This letter was also not posted. Now that friend is in Washington and is in touch with us, continuously.
Since the closing days of 2002, we have been experiencing a series of twists and turns in the drama of life.
I must say that Joe had the necessary mental and physical stamina to withstand all those shocks and disturbances of life.
It was during that period only you thought, she had distanced from yourself and that she was not adequately plain and frank. Had she allowed me to speak, I would have explained in person, about the state of chaos prevailing here.
I only know how much love and affection Sakthi has for you: It may not be fully expressed explicitly but it would be naïve to believe that it does not exist.
To my knowledge, true friendship is a rare phenomenon in life. It is not that everyone is gifted to strike it at the early age and keep it in perpetual motion through time. One must have judgment and wisdom to forget the transient misunderstanding and fall back upon true spirit and perspective of friendship.
I am very sorry to hear about your pain and agony. There is a saying that when going becomes tough, the tough gets going.
Thank you for the letter written, but not posted yet. I would be very happy to receive your tonic and balm to lighten my heart.
From my end, I must say that children must spend more time with mother and make her happy and reassured in life. Try to understand her feelings and frustration and provide an emotional anchor.
It’s time all of us learnt the art of detached attachment in life. Too much of love, heightened sense of possessiveness, will create wrinkles on emotional side. All of us will always practice a sense of moderation.

Four Decades of passionate teaching, I find it hard to believe: A mere spark in a student’s eye can take me forward in my academic journey.

Today, the 6th August 2010, marks the completion of forty years of my academic tapas and meditation on economics, a subject which I love dearly and I am fond of teaching it passionately.

Had I continued in my earlier collegiate service, I would have officially retired at 15.05.2010, a this milestone could not have occurred. Entry into University rather belatedly with all habitual reluctance and the resulting exposure to an informed all India audience, made me to walk through Economics, measuring my steps as well. I may not have written many scholarly research papers in reputed journals befitting of my true academic potentials and I was not destined to be, and yet I do not have any regrets;

For whatever I have written, thanks to Business Line .I am happy that I have made a contribution in a small way as a critical commentator without much bias and prejudice. The true value added, I know, my customers know.
As a teacher, in the last four decades I have done reasonable justice. Even if some “scholarly” students say I am an average teacher, not at all good, my role as a good teacher will seldom diminish, for all the spirit and flavor of teaching, way of articulating with all body language, long preparation for the class and so on came to me in a natural way and became a good habit. It still persists and refuses to die. This is advantage d.sambandhan.

Now the time has come for me to change. For various reasons I must moderate my teaching, shouting from the bottom of belly. I can’t change that easily. But I must try. So long as there is a spark in a student’s eye, I will carry on.

From my Dateless Dairy