Recollecting 30.09.2010 in tranquility: Part Two

When I look at my life   and go down  my memory lane, I sincerely believe that right from the start the unseen hand – the wise and  benevolent destiny has taken care of me- no matter how much disinclination I had towards Him  or  how inconsistent and erratic in my love or anger  against  him.

The secret of success if any in my life, or failure -there are many is that I did not set any target or goal for myself. Absolutely there was no visionary ambition or modest one. Somehow I have survived thus far without dreaming, without politicking or compromising on my hard core principles of life.

My innocence or ignorance about the typical run of mill kind of ego centric journey, that usually many indulge in was truly a blessing in disguise for me. I did not have the time or mental makeup to think big and act big and bulldoze many so as to come up in life. There are many occasions when my alleged enemies (I will not call them academic) right from college days placed more stumbling blocks to sabotage my career growth and I was helpless and clueless to negotiate those vicious thoughts. But I will not blame them squarely for my failings in life. All through my journey for one reason or another I was weighed down by cumulative suffering , most of it  self inflicted or ordained by karma or caused by friendly enemies. I should only thank the supreme for not having allowed me to lose the sense of balance at the height of despair and humiliation.

All success in my life, I have attributed it towards the benevolence of   Supreme and all the failures were treated as the inevitable byproduct of my supreme inactivity. Now with the aging process, I am really worried about the prospect of physical tiredness which might revisit me as an inseparable companion and derail my lingering residual academic pursuit. Living at the margin time, really a bonus time ,I  earnestly pray to the  supreme that He should allow me to realize my full academic potentials and make me lead a truly active  life , far better than  what I have done in the last five decades .  Sincere prayers and genuine academic lamentations will not go unrewarded, I know. For that to happen, I need to fine tune my physical health and improve my mental health.

I have had my own moments of joy and pain . When my mother died and more recently when my youngest daughter got married and  thus delinked from me in a geographical sense , I cried in pain, one early morning .It was really a full cry , an uninhibited  soul pacifying welcome cry . Occasionally writing in a poetic prose I have ventilated my  emotive feelings.

 I have never argued with God for  my personal tragedies and sufferings although Iam continually angry with God for his silence over the suffering of the majority of the downtrodden, living in dirt and filth and sulking in sorrow and agony.  I know, our life here on this beautful planet is very very brief, purely transitory. With each passing day, we are moving closer towards death.Most of us hardly remember this fact, as we are too busy with the trials and tribulations of daily existence.

Life provided me  every thing. Born and brought up in a village environment, rising to  an  exalted position of a professor in a University , after straddling through presidency college of Madras and  Gokhale Institute of Pune with good academic distinction was indeed more than what I could have expected or  dreamt . Good parents , schooling in tamil medium , education in reputed institutions , memorable teachers and good friends all along the academic journey, early settlement   in job and life , marriage with a beautiful village girl,  bristling with innocence and inexplicable radiance , and through her three beautiful girl children and  their pleasant residuals- two grand daughters . What else one would ask for in life?

Higher education with fellowship / protected salary at an internationally acclaimed institute at Pune came just like that with minimum effort on my part to help a friend ;  the subsequent  adventurous journey towards Pune  when that friend was no more on Earth. The academic tapas and meditation at Pune without bothering much about reaching the Ph.D destination was indeed  an unforgettable experience.I worked more, studied more  and interacted with many faculty members but returned home with out the coveted degree- the passport needed for stepping into  higher academic realms of life . My life in general and Ph.D  journey in particular and of course two decades university life at pondicherry  in retrospect  appears to be  like a pleasant or a bad dream or suspense thriller with a  lot of unexpected twists and turns  as  there was always additional chaos in the background – behind the scenes feed back effect from the domestic segment of life. With folded hands I must thank the Supreme for having saved me in both academic and domestic life .It was my  good fortune that I did not have Ernest Hemmingway’s  parental genes to commit suicide.Memory is very hazy and weak to recollect the distant past- both pleasant and painful events, of that dead past.

The pleasantest  thing about my life is that I am gifted with  tremendous sense of forgetting .That generous forgetting has made my life easy flowing .I do not have many ashes of memory to burn me and make me depressed. Forgetting is my bliss. Remembering is the bane of my better half.

Living through  life is like reading a book. When will we read the last sentence of the book and exit from here, leaving all  our legacy to History, we don’t know. If life ends in the  middle of  a song or abruptly collapses at the  very start of the journey, can we quarrel with the creator?

I pat on my shoulder for having lived a life of austerity and simplicity with minimal  enjoyments  in the midst of chaos , treachery ,  betrayal of love and heightened insensitivity of  many humans .  I congragulate myself for having survived thus far forty years of teaching and thirty eight years of leading a pleasant and upsurd marital life, without much expectation.

When I saw my girl first I had my lustful liking  and I don’t know whether it was love . At sixty plus  I attempt to see the  eternal beauty on the face of aging wife , who remains young to me. I may not like her as I did four decades ago,but definitely I love her and that love alone should sustain my life hence forward along with my boundless love for my subject called Economics, which has lost much of its reputation close on the heels of  global financial crisis .  Both the old girl and the old discipline make me hungry in even while they satisfy, modestly.  

Recollecting 30.09.2010 in tranquility: Part One

For Reasons known to God, sleeping in heavens, I have not regained my physical vigor and academic rigour ever since I fell down from the stair case, last July 2011. I  slipped yesterday  too  in  one marriage dining hall while  moving towards the wash basin.Thank God, the  nasty fall was averted, though    I did fall . Hence forward I should exercise more restraint and moderate my feverish /boyish tendencies.  It  is also high time  the preparations were made for cataract operation. I am painfully realizing that I am becoming old, getting tired more easily and not having physical stamina to negotiate  the  summer heat in absence of any air conditioning facility.

For long , Blog writing has been  in a state of suspended animation , despite my Ph.D scholar  willing to help and goad me to action .As his opportunity cost of time is vary high  I do not want to trouble him.Frustration with my associates or colleagues whom I loved very dearly also made me to alienate.

 The saddest part of my life , not withstanding the finest, happiest moments I have enjoyed (especially my youngest daughter’s   marriage event-   a really  memorable event of my whole  life time) is that I am not able to read and write as much as I can or I would like to.

While cleansing my book shelf I stumbled upon a few scribblings about myself, written on the last day of September 2010.What was my mental makeup then? Please go through the following from my dateless diary.Recollecting the past to learn the laws of life is always welcome, although one should not wallow up in the sufferings of the past.

I am grateful to  the Lord  that I was born to hard working and honest parents who valued work ethics ,  and self respect as important components of  life. By sheer happy accident, the Supreme has  inculcated in me that kind of attitude and approach towards life. All titles and designations have come on their own without asking for it.

 I do fully understand that the best things in life are almost free and I don’t know how far you would agree with me when I say that you do not need much  material wealth to be happy or to lead a full life , which of course does not mean  more happiness, more comforts and more material well being . Indeed a luxurious life is a dead and boring one. That is why God has made life as a judicious mixture of joy and sorrow. Even while the cup of life is overflowing with sorrow and misery by our sheer attitude, we shall convert them into joy. My own experience is that every sorrowful event is a welcome event, more than the joyous ones.We should be grateful to those who really inflict more injury into our heart and mind.

Mid 2012 Musings –Part II: God will not abandon me on the academic side too

Mid 2012 is also significant in another important respect. The house I built with the help of my parents and H.B.A of Pondicherry government has already completed its Silver jubilee.Indeed Sakthi was born in this new house by sheer quirk of fate- wise and benevolent fate, as was foretold  by an astrologer.  Even before the alliance was fixed, the renovation work had started in the ground floor without giving serious consideration to the financial implication  of the reconstruction process .Kindly note that the building was as strong as the sturdy heart of my parents and mine too. So it was not due to lack of strength or elegance, a remodeling had to be done  but there was fundamentally wrong with the management of space . Without blaming anyone it was just my stupidity and lack of dreaming capacity which resulted in that kind of shelter, under which I did not get peace for long. What can you expect from a person like me, who became a father of two daughters at an immature age of just twenty five? It is better late than never, to correct one’s own mistake.For everything in life there is a tradeoff .Now, by paying a small price in terms of few lakhs ,my children will get the comforts and convenience of the semi luxury of the art of modern construction , looking good  by just changing the tiles .

Will it make people really happy and be at peace with themselves? Never. But the house will not be blamed for one’s own stupid act or failings in life hence forward. In the last leg of my journey in life, the stupid mind thinks about constructing a room above for doing meditation on the subject, fully aware that weakness, loss of memory and of course the tiredness pervading the entire body will not be of much help in repairing my academic side and consolidating the reconstruction there. But there is a lingering faint hope that God will not abandon me on the academic side too and with the help of some friendly souls floating around me , even while living I can and I should see some of the writings in print or in the blog .  When I write these lines I think about the debate between Sydney Alexadr and Macullum on devaluation question, Lawson Metzler interpretation about the insulation of stable economy under exogenous disturbances under the regime of floating, my uneasiness with Samuelson’s way of correcting Hume’s Mechanism, Shallowness of economic reforms in India , Chiese Yuvan’s mischief of under valuation,deepening Euro zone crisis, the U.S economy  and the dollar as the main villain in the evolution of International financial architecture , the relevance or irrelevance of Keynes in today’s world, secular tendency of rupee to depreciate leading to chaos, rising gold price, the venality of corruption , deepening political uncertainty in the largest democracy on  the Earth, irresponsible and indifferent attitudes towards  economics by the rulers,  the need to understand the writings of Paul Krugman , rekindling the memories of Harry G.Johnson and Jaon Robinsn  to current breed of students  and so on . The list is long and varied and I have so many miles to walk after retirement. But there is always a feeling of inadequacy and frustratingly irritating experience of not having done many things earlier. In any case, even if I don’t and can’t write more, I will read .This is just to console me and live with out getting into any kind of depression.

Mid 2012 Musings –Part I: Happiest moment in my life

Mid 2012 seems to be the most momentous period in my life. Nothing significant is taking place on the academic side but most compensatory variation in Hickshian sense is taking place on the domestic side. Of course this is the usual routine thing that a responsible father needs to do at a right time.  Kindly believe me, this routine inevitable event which will delink my treasure has made me more happy than ever before . It is not that I have not had many joyous moments to share and remember and of course savor all through my career.

What is that I am referring to ? Some of my student friends and of course Sakthi’s friends are already aware of the event  scheduled to take place around mid June. Yes! my youngest daughter, my treasure , my love , my friend , my savior and ambassador sent from heavens like a gentle breeze has been engaed now  and the marriage ceremony  is scheduled to take place on 14th June at Subba Lakshmi Hall, situated on the main Mahatma Gandhi Road at Muthyalpet. Thre reception is on the evening of 13 th June at the same venue.  

The question of finding out a right life partner – be it a  spontaneous love and chemistry leading to marriage or an arranged marriage, eventually blossoming into an all time full fledged love affair is as difficult as finding out the right equilibrium real exchange rate for an open economy like India .

Milton Friedman  was asked once “ What is the right equilibrium exchange rate  between U.S Dollar and Japanese Yen?”He merely replied with tremendous honesty, “I don’t Know!” Suppose you ask me, “which is the happiest moment in your life?”,in the same vein I can reply honestly , with a little bit dramatization as follows. “My academic distinctions at both under graduate and post graduate level intimidated me more than making happy. The prolonged journey towards my Ph.D destination under the benevolent goading of an young scholar from Hyderabad Central University, of course gave me peace which I deserved, given my chaotic life. Showering of financial fortune by Bank of Mathura and late entry into university after quarter century of service, stumbling upon Head ship and the much coveted Deanship towards the fag end of my career- all gave some semblance of joy and stability but the defining, happiest moment in my life came when the young ones were allowed to meet in the first floor in a non- A.C room in the hot summer month interact and to know each other. Subsequently when the green signal was given by both and family members on either side who had already expressed their consent. In  a typical Sangham literature Kurundhogai poem,every things evolved and the result was ,I spent a sleepless night with joy and happiness which I deserve to enjoy and I was  fresh the  next day morning.

Shall I pray to the supreme sleeping in heavens, with confidence and conviction that I have an optimistic heightened expectation that Sakthi’s marriage will provide more sakthi (power) and more stability to the families on both sides. Let God give them the wisdom to measure their steps and be in perpetual friendship and love while wading through the marital waters

Again a Letter?

I don not know how to start this letter excpet to say that, I am Sorry ! Will it solve your problem? Will it serve as a medicine to heal your cumulative wounds over the ages and centuries? I see some of my resemblances in you. Is that the reason that I had been not adequately understood by you ? But no anger , no regret in life , gentlemen or gentle women , I will respond with a smile. No more confrontation or quarrel , except to blast my patriotric country . Am I not a reformed or a refined person now ? Yes or No ? gentlemen , beware of the devilish spirit shaking you and molesting you beyond repair .

I will not go back to my old world of emotion and emotion only .Now I will fuse it with intelligence and carefully accumulated wisdom flowing from my failings in the past and ofcourse many mistakes.

All of us want love and joy, peace and patience .We want to be kind and good .we expect more gnetleness and more faithfulness from others. But are you practicing it? Let us try to shun anger and cultivate more self control. Gift of love is all important and we must believe in it. Nothing is more fulfilling than Love itself. When you are sorrounded by love and friendliness we only need to see them and internalise them.

A Letter?

You are angry with me. Perhaps you have disapponting in me .But in our mind we cannot abandon each other .Indeed amidst all anguished anger there was more love overflowing.

Do you know one thing ?while people don’t like each other and love is compeltely dried up , they still co-exist together and live together , tolerate each other .Yes this is how they have been ordained given the culture of the soil ,brought up by the family and ofcourse the genes over generations .

You have every right to be angry with me. Indeed you alone can have more anger because you are more closer. I also know that more anger on the other side must imply nil anger from this side. The sinple logic of life is that , one must nurture one’s own patience all the time ,in order that one can escape or rather gloss over the hate arrows , which might hit either at home or office . They cannot hit me and kill me, peace me. I have many more things to do in this life but develish thoughts and images dominate .So they must exit .For that to happen , the divine has to make miracle.