The fact of the matter is that I did not do many things, which I could have (or should have) done. First let me start with basics. Having been married at a very young age (20 plus) to a 18 year old cute village girl and background, I must have listened to my Economics Professor V. Sasankan’s voice and concern : you should not only love your wife, but also tell her, you love her daily”. I did not internalize his counsel.
After having lived with her for about four decades and fully realizing her anguished anger now, I do feel that inadvertently I had neglected her and offended her finer sensibilities and feelings. My care and concern, love and affection, with compound interest begin now, on the eve of sixty plus, but there is firm resistance from the other side. Basics of love are clear now: seeing the eternal beauty on the ageing wife……. Even in the face of absence of any kind of reciprocation, do we lose anything by loving others? True love implies more sacrifice, more accommodation. I also feel that true love entails more pain and suffering.
Around 50, one should settle down financially, and money should not be a cause for worry. All through my life I had not done any sensible money management. Now at 60, I feel that I should do something about it. It is too late to recover lost ground. A few extra saving is needed for travel and also for the marriage of the youngest daughter. I have never suffered for want of money, as my wants and lifestyle were simple. My better half was more contented than me. For the sake of daughters, some homework must have been done.
Come to think of travel, I have never availed LTC facility, all though my academic journey. I did travel to a few places, on my own. For teaching purpose, I widely traveled a lot. I still vividly remember those memorable three days I spent in three capitals of Bihar, West Bengal and Orissa, on successive days in the ‘90s (late). My first LTC trip to Kashmir and my first overseas trip came along, around 60 milestones only.
My first appointment in 1970 as Assistant Professor in a Pre-Degree College coincided with Headship. It was a one man department. So, I happened to be the Head of the Department. For the next three decades, many of my juniors became HOD’s, but I couldn’t, because in those places where I worked, some seniors were always there. Headship and Deanship came towards the end at late stage in life, much to the frustration among a few at least. With all neutrality, fairness, commitment and compassion towards people I have been not rightly understood.
Human relations have become too fragile. Why do educated and experienced people talk ill of others? Is friendship or working relationship, related to community, class, colour or sex? Why some Fellows refuse to change, even after getting a serious of beating in life! We have not come here to reform them or repair them. At 60 plus, I begin to learn more about the human nature. The persons with whom we move are the same. It’s only our perceptions about them change. Many a time, I have tolerated and accommodated; now around 60 plus, I get the wisdom, dignified silence and alienation will give me peace and more important, more time to meditate and write, as craving for reading increases, as the days pass.
It is only at sixty, my one and half decade old pending service matters, which have been in a state of virtual mess and suspended animation, are getting streamlined, thanks again to one young scholar friend mentioned above. I am a privileged man on earth, as I am taken care of by many youngsters who are incidentally not my direct students.
Before joining the University, I never bothered about publications or project. In the first instance I hardly had any desire to step into this kind of exalted corridor. As the three PhD coveted letters embraced me only after a long protracted struggle, my entry into the University was delayed. But once these letters began to get tagged along with the name, it was just a function of time and I found myself as a teacher in a University system.Towards the fag end of my academic life, now only I make some attempts to apply for project, that too for the purpose of helping students. For reasons, which I don’t want to elaborate, project never rocked my mind. There are many self financing projects accumulated in the shelves for ages and I do fully realize my limitations and when will delivery take place, I don’t know.
Craving for reading and writing has been there right from college days. But there was no tendency to market myself, sell myself, develop a networked relationship and more important, adopt a dynamic approach to push things. At 60 I can very well understand my tiredness. But for nearly a decade on inexplicable tiredness and laziness, did chain me and tossed me into an academic recession .
Now, at 60 plus, the craving for reading and writing, has intensified manifold. But the impossibility to do so, also strikes me, but I am no longer diffident or hesitant by citing health factor or ageing process or domestic chaos for my sluggish growth. Indeed, all these hurdles are welcome; it is too early for me to shrink and withdraw as I realize that my bonus time is shrinking. I must rationally exploit them, and do justice to the profession, as also society. The optimistic hope, “we shall overcome” slogan, must infect you and me and we shall march ahead, come what may.
Life has begun, with remarkable boyish enthusiasm; around 60 plus and I will continue to live, as I had lived thus far, valuing self-respect more and not compromising on principles and my philosophy of life. I have missed many things in life and the wise and benevolent destiny has compensated me adequately. No regrets .
I should decide where I should create a wall and keep up the distance and maintain dignified silence to insulate myself from the major irritants. I have always listened to intuition, inner voice even while predicting crisis in economics and understanding or assessing human behavior
Even in a crowd, I must know that I am alone and even while I am alone, I am connected with others through books and thought process. A series of cumulative failures and different kinds of loses in life including the deprivation of simplest pleasures have taught me, a vital lesson that we must live beyond these travails and feel humble in victory and assert our optimistic personality under stress and distress. Peace and happiness spring from within and they do not come from others. We shall look inward even while socializing and globalizing with others.
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