Revisiting My Academic Depression: Part One

These lines were written somewhere in the early 2000s when I was denied my legitimate due on the academic side . Although I successfully negotiated that kind of deep recession and wrote poetry, I had a feeling of guilt that I could not translate my academic potentials into concrete writings, a feeling which still continues in amore refined fashion. This only shows that all the people are not destined to be great writers, however talented they are. I know I can remain only as a participant in the game , a fan , a child , a critic, a commentator but not a great creator. This sense of realization by itself is really consoling although it will not comfort my academic nerves. Absorbing and assimilating by ordering and organizing my academic debris is a long drawn out process like price adjustment in classical model. I will not abandon my hope . If my eyes and knees could help me, and if a helpful soul typing this posting could lend a helping hand , it should not be difficult to deconstruct and integrate in not too distant future. At this age I cannot run fast. But I still think that it is not too late now. Earlier I use to think that I will never make it . The naked truth is just that . But I will sincerely try to make the academic miracle to happen again and again in the reminder of my life time, really a bonus time.

I have written to you, on many occasions
I don’t know its utility or relevance
There’s only a feeling of despair and helplessness
Swelling in my heart and mind
The feeling of having lost in a battle
Of love and friendship.


When daily living becomes just a struggle
Torn between hostility and heightened depression
Successfully thriving every day,
Relying on reasoned sense of humor
By itself is an event,
Each moment more Precious
In opportunity cost sense.

With all my love for reading and also writing
I must have read more, articulated more
Filled the paper with more inks
With all critical comments under the Sun.
But alas!
I was not destined to be.

Each day passed on like time spent in prison
Not in deep contemplation or meditation
On life in general
And of course my discipline in particular
A subject of my passion and concern
How did that sense of alienation,
Feeling of frustration visit me,
Imprison me and paralyze me?

How could I yield and meekly surrender
To the dictates of depression
An all pervading gloom and despair
And could not make any meaningful recovery.
Should I blame my time?
Karmic effect or sheer laziness
Or lack of Inertia and dynamism?

One long year an exalted privilege
A golden opportunity
The most precious time in my life
Was just consumed away by worrying
Thinking thoughts, not worth recollecting
Or ruminating
Maximization function were applied
To the universe of suffering
More foolishly and feverishly

The seemingly plausible task,
Became more daunting and intimidating
Rocking me in a roller coaster ride
More ‘downs, less ‘ups’
So naturally ended up ‘upset’ many a time