Revisiting My Academic Depression: Part 2

While recollecting in tranquility,
The whole life appears to be
An exercise in futility
An exhibition in the art of showcasing suffering
And suffering only.
Indeed more suffering even while floating in happiness.
A perpetual battle with the limbs and knees
A virtual surrender to the forces of nature

Prolonged neglect of career concerns,
The crude unintended indifference to family and children
Their consequent inner conflicts
And emotional outbursts on either side
A gross failure on the financial side and so on
All have tossed and turned the life
Into a tailspin of anxiety, anger and
Utter helplessness.

True, there are people
To lend a helping hand
But I am not able to move
And taken even a first step
When the necessary condition fails
Where is the scope for sufficient condition ?

It appears as if,
Everything is over,
Many a time I feel
Has the time come
To say good bye
And make a retreat
Suddenly I feel I have become old
An explicable distaste for my own subject
Distance growing with each passing moment
Find it difficult to believe?
Even I am not able to believe myself
Why I did learn? What I did learn?
For whom? What’s the residual knowledge or wisdom?
Questions of this sort
Should not have been raise by me
There’s an awareness of academic greed.
Having overstretched beyond potentials
Should I draw limits now?
Or has it been drawn already
By the cruel and wicked fate.
Unmindful of what I will do
Or will not do in future
I will always have the desperate feeling
I have not done justice to myself
Or to my subject, which
I embrace more passionately.

In my multiple roles as a
Son, teacher, husband and father
Where was the shine?
Why the hell, a reasonably good role
Of teacher could not be carried forward
To the other spheres of activity?
How could you be so foolish?
Not to take care of both parents
And finance. ?
Forget finance .
How could you ignore the aged parents
Craving for your nearness and love
But not explicitly told
But implicitly built into their heartbeat
With all the love at the bottom of your heart,
Why didn’t you spend time with them
Even while you were with them
How did the better half
Develop such a bitter experience?
Not to be noticed and to be addressed
For a longish period ?
Why was I irrationally angry
With my wonderful and vibrant mother?
Her hard work,
That spirit of dynamism and
Hyper enthusiasm for work
when will I internalize?
Will the residual lingering years,
Infuse more labor in academic calendar?
Creating magic and miracles
For the larger academic good in the society
I don’t know.
I am not very optimistic
Despite all my craving for honest reading
And serious writing